There Is Nothing Wrong With You

And as you start do the work to work on yourself and you analyze your stories, you realize that you have carried shame about things that were not in your control. One of the shame that I had to carry was just being that girl in school where nobody paid attention to me. I wanted to have a group of friends, I wanted to be cool, but everybody—my distorted memory of it—is that I just didn't have the people that I wanted to hang out with. The friends I wanted just didn't want to hang out with me, and I took it personally.

I had a friend, a very good friend, but I always thought it was not enough. I wanted to be in the places and higher places. I wanted to be with the cool people, and I guess maybe that desire of importance—being important—was something I really desired in school. So I would spend most of my lunchtime alone in the library, sad, anxious. It was tough for me as a 12-year-old teenage kid.

Now I'm 26, and I still feel like there are circumstances where those moments get triggered in me. And today, as I write this, I finally had the courage to present that trigger to God. You see, when you meet God, He doesn't heal everything all at once. It's a process. Circumstances will happen and it will trigger something, and you're like, “Wow, I didn't even know this was still in here.”

And so the trigger of my bullying in school is something that really was brought up today, and I prayed about it to God. I asked, “God, why do I care so much if friends or people around me don’t support what I'm doing?” And that trigger came up. I just always felt like, as the lonely kid in school, I just don't want to be the lonely adult anymore. I want to be important, I want to be seen, I want to be loved.

And the only reason I felt like this is because at home I didn't feel the love. I grew up with divorced parents. I had a very toxic family—well, not very, but to a certain degree, toxic. I didn’t grow up with my mother for the big part, and you know, if you have parents that work really hard and you don't have a very deep bond or maternal bond from people in your family, it's tough to really build a sense of who you are inside.

Our parents are supposed to be our guide in life. They're supposed to help us figure out pieces of identity—not give us our identity, because ultimately God does that—but they’re supposed to give us the base of what we're supposed to feel. And if they can't, you know, I’ve forgiven everybody, forgiven my parents, but I'm writing this for somebody who grew up and felt like there was something wrong with them.

You felt like there was something wrong with you because others didn’t want to hang out with you.
You felt like there was something wrong with you if that boy didn’t like you.
You felt like there was something wrong with you when friends didn’t want you.
You thought something was wrong with you if your parents beat you all the time.
You thought something was wrong with you because of abuse.
You thought something was wrong with you because of all kinds of wickedness.

And now as an adult, you still feel that trigger:
when you don't get the job,
when you don't get the school,
when you don't get the response,
when you don't get the timing.

That rejection comes up and you think there’s something wrong with you.
If you don't get the partner on time, there's something wrong with you.
If you don't get the car, the house, the salary—something is wrong with you.

I presented my weakness to God.
And what I heard in my inner self was:

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

The Holy Spirit just reassured me. Whatever happened in my trauma, whatever happened in your trauma—there’s nothing wrong with you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to be fixed in the way trauma tells you you do.

There’s this burden we often carry when we've lived trauma:
“I need to fix something in me. Something is off. Something is wrong. Something doesn’t fit right.”

And the definition of “wrong” can often mean:
incorrect,
unjust,
dishonest,
immoral.

Some of us carry these definitions inside us.

I know for a fact I didn’t think I was an honest person. I thought something was dishonest about me. I thought, “Why can’t people see me for me?” And it's something you have to submit to God to get His word and accept:

There is nothing wrong with you.

No matter what you’ve experienced, no matter what you’ve been through—
If you keep believing something is wrong with you, it will show up in:

anger,
depression,
isolation,
drugs,
addiction,
alcohol,
promiscuity.

It’s so deep that you don’t even know the belief is there.

But let me tell you:

There is NOTHING wrong with you.

You are perfect in the state you’re in right now because God doesn’t look at your actions—He looks at your heart and your spirit. If He has called you—if you gave your life to Christ even once—He is faithful. He sees you tried. You tried to fight the abuse, fight the hatred, fight the abandonment.

But because we believe something is wrong with us, we don’t want intimacy with God.
We hide.
We run.
We push Him away.
We say:

“Why would God want me?”
“Why would He trust me?”
“Why would He use me?”
“Why would He live in me?”

But those thoughts are lies.

God doesn’t see you the way people saw you.
He doesn’t see you through trauma.
He doesn’t care about your past the way you do.
He sees Jesus Christ in you.
He sees the calling in you.

He keeps sending people to pray for you, to preach to you, even when you weren’t close to Him, because He wants to tell you:

There is nothing wrong with you. Please stop running.
There is nothing wrong with you. Please stop shutting the door.
There is nothing wrong with you. Please stop cutting yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you. Stop thinking you should die.
There is nothing wrong with you. Stop entertaining foolish people.

God doesn’t measure you like humans measure you.
Humans judge:

how you dress,
who you know,
what you have,
how you look,
your mistakes,
your timing.

God doesn’t care about any of that.
He cares about your heart.

He called Moses from a bush.
He called David from the fields.
He called Gideon from hiding.
He will call you from wherever you are.

Put on worship music and cry if you must.
Open your heart to Jesus.
Let Him heal the places you never spoke about.

He healed me.
And He will heal you.

Prayer

God, there's a belief in me hidden in shame, hidden in abandonment, hidden in rejection that's made me believe that I am incorrect, I'm immoral, I'm unjust and dishonest. You called me to be your child which means that by the blood of Jesus you saw something in me, you put something in me from birth that you would use later on in my life. you've seen righteousness in me If you have called me you will not abandon me.”By your grace, I am saved in Jesus' name -Amen